New Beginnings

After a long day of not doing much at all other than relaxing and thinking about the peaceful relaxed feeling I had when I woke up today, I need to take a look at why I felt so relaxed, and hopefully learn to continue the feeling beyond just this morning.  The odd thing is I've never felt that kind of peace before for the simple reason that frankly I'm addicted to stress (actually literally addicted), and I have to say it's different waking up in the morning feeling like I don't have the weight of the world resting on my shoulders.  It's interesting since I have actually never felt like this before, and I'm not sure what exactly brought this about, nor am I sure I really like it.  I figure that that kind of care-free beginning to the day has a few big pros, but a couple big cons.

Pros:

• It was amazing waking up without a pounding headache, and without immediately having to pressure myself into getting things done upon waking.
• I haven't once today had the crash that always follows the heart pumping pressure inherent in trying to figure my life out.
• I don't think I've even come close to losing my temper today (even though I haven't really had reason to).
• I haven't cussed a single time today, and that truly is a miracle.

Cons:

• I feel so unbelievably lazy today and almost feel guilty for not doing anything to further my goals.
• It feels weird to feel this relaxed and I don't know what to do with myself because of it.
• I can't help but wonder why I feel this good and worry if I'm just that way since I'm ignorant of something bad that's about to happen.

I have to say that I think feeling this way is well worth anything negative about it, but if that's true it's important to figure out how I made myself feel this way so I can continue it.  The crazy thing is after near 12 hours of thinking about it I can't figure out how I did this so my only guess is that I didn't do it.  Last night I prayed that God help me reach a peace in my heart about my current circumstances, and I attempted for the first time ever to truly surrender myself to his mercies.  I hate to jinx it but I think it might have actually worked.  I feel like I can't do anything that God doesn't want me to do right now and it's amazing. I think for the first time in my life I was able to pray without mentioning myself in my prayers. I have always tried to be selfless in prayer as well as in my life, but I have never managed it because in the back of my mind there was always this nagging feeling that I wasn't getting what I needed/wanted/deserved, but I think I've finally been able to put that behind me.  We'll see if that's the case tomorrow. If I wake up feeling the same way then I guess I was right.

I think it's proper that this happen today of all days.  I know the 4th of July is only celebrated as an Independence Day in the USA, but I am an American born and bred, and I think it appropriate that today be the day I achieve independence from all the petty concerns that were floating around, cluttering my mind, and hiding the holy.  It seems only right that I should shed the fear to share my emotions and to live how I believe I should live.  Maybe this transformation I've been starting will continue and I will become the man I have always held up and admired, but then again maybe God has something else planned.  I suppose I won't know that until someday far down the road and I am laying on my death bed, and I see who surrounds me. If I'm lucky it will be my family and friends telling me that I have in fact led a good life worthy of the gifts God gave me.

Non Nobis Domine Sed Nomini tuo da Gloriam