The Hunt for Humility

At the danger of boring the internet community at large, I am attempting to share the thoughts that pass through the sad excuse I have for a mind. If you can't tell I'm attempting to learn humility, however boring that may be.  Actually the title of this blog comes from a Latin Psalm:

 Non Nobis, Non Nobis Domine  

Sed Nomini tuo da Gloriam

Not to us, Not to us O Lord

But to your name give the glory.

I enjoy this hymn for the sole reason that it reminds me that I in fact am only partly responsible for any triumphs I have.  In Henry V by Shakespeare, Henry wins the Battle of Agincourt against all odds, but instead of falling to the VERY human sin of pride, he declares, "And be it death proclaimed through my host to boast of this, or take that praise from God which is his alone."  In fact Henry orders that there be sung, "Non Nobis and Te Deum."  I figure if Henry can deny himself the ego boost that he would get from killing thousands of French Knights with his foot soldiers then I can deny myself the smaller ego boost from sitting on the US Senate Floor everyday for a job.  I wouldn't dare to suggest that Pride is my only sin, or even my greatest sin, but the battle for holiness can't be ended because the odds are daunting.

I use the term "battle for holiness" intentionally. I have always believed that to achieve anything worth achieving one must fight for it, and holiness is not different.  Of course the battle for holiness has to be a fight of conscience and generally is a battle with oneself more than a battle with outside forces.  I can't walk up to a hot girl and punch her in the mouth simply because she inspired lustful thoughts, but at the same time I have to fight the battle and suppress those thoughts and ask for forgiveness for them.  I don't claim to think I can stop sinning, but I sure can try my hardest.  Lately I've taken to trying to recite a prayer that I was introduced to by a close friend, now that I'm starting my conversion to Catholicism.  The simple prayer to St. Michael the Archangel asks for his assistance in this battle against the forces of temptation, and I think helps:

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;

and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, Satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.

Amen.

Those that know me would say that this change in temperament is astonishing, as I'm sort of infamous in my group of friends for my cockiness.  I hope my friends will think the change is refreshing, but frankly if they don't think so it is enough to know that I will be a better man for it.  I alluded earlier to spending time on the Senate Floor, and how that was a source of pride for me.  I currently serve as one of two Senate Page Coordinators for the Republican Party.  My job is to train and supervise the Senate Pages on the Republican side for this summer. I thoroughly enjoy the job and it is a rush to be a college student working in such an important position, with large amounts of autonomy.  I didn't feel the fear inherent in this type of power until two weeks ago when I was forced by my own principles, and for the good of the Page Program, to seek the immediate dismissal of a Page. The reason this was a reason for fear was simple; I liked using the power too much.  I had the choice of ignoring the information I had learned and allowing the former Page to stay in the program or I could use that information and have him fired; however, my principles demanded the latter.  Firing him probably wouldn't end his chances at a successful life (knowing his familial connections it probably wouldn't affect it in the slightest), but by having him fired I was denying him the chance to stand on his own two feet and prove he could be successful without his parents standing over his shoulder.  I know what I denied him, because without the Page Program I wouldn't be where I am now.

I know I will be given this power, and the more terrible power of asking men to go to their deaths, time and time again (the latter hopefully less often) in the future due to my chosen profession, and because of this I find it appropriate that I examine why I want this power. In my immaturity I feel that the reason I sought this power in large measure was pride, but as I have grown I have approached it with the trepidation I feel is necessary to justly wield power.  Maybe one day I will learn the humility necessary to be as good an Officer and Gentleman that my family and my God expect, and demand.  For now I will not allow myself to be incapacitated by my imperfections, and will continue to carry on with my plans, but I will demand increasing perfection from myself.  Above all else I must learn not to attempt to take the glory from God that belongs rightfully to him.  Non Nobis Domine, Sed Nomini tuo da Gloriam.